life or something like it...

I don't know what's going on these days. Work is awful, not that it is difficult, it just doesn't feel like I am helping the world. I mean almost anyone can do the job I am doing at the hospital. So I am on the job hunt. I really want to work in a more therapeutic environment, not to mention all of the nasty germs that one can get at the hospital. Check out C Diff or Acinetobacter for some fun reading. I thought that once I graduated I would get things figured out, but that was/is not the case. I sometimes feel more confused and agitated than I was before.

I think some medications may be in order, I am able to recommend things for patient's shouldn't I recommend them for myself? I just don't feel like I have anyone I am close to anymore. I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to connect with anyone. It isn't like being better than people, but since I have graduated it seems that some people have started looking at me differently, in a good light, but differently. I think I need to expand my friend horizon, and well, stop being such a bitch. ( I know, I am sooooo good at it). I think I run people off before they even really get a chance to know me, and therefore thwart any chance of a friendship. I hope that things will begin to change. Also you should buy this album by Regina Spektor. It is absolutely wonderful!

good evening to ya~!

days go by...

and still i think about you. is that what you were going to finish it with? i'm not using capital letters anymore. what do you think about that? i've been writing papers in school and now it is almost time to be out of school. i'm almost done with school and i couldn't be happier.... right? well i almost went balistico last night. don't have a clue where all that emotion came from, but there it was. it was not a pretty sight to behold. but i woke up this morning and wham, bam, thank ya mam, it was gone! (ok the no capital letters is bothering me!)

I have a job which makes everyone happy! I'm nervous. I'm having to use skills I haven't used in a very long time. It will be something totally new to me. I am not adventurous so we will see how this goes. I'm very ready to be done with my internship. This has been the most awful and inspiring internship, EVER! It was funny, I was reading this scientific report on how MCP (that's my concentration) people are usually unhappy with thier internships. Just thought it was funny to experience something and then have it supported by an actualy research study. It served as a grouding tool for me in some respects (aka I'm not THAT crazy)!

The environment around me is changing. People breaking up, getting together, getting together in groups, getting stupid, getting (anything). Perhaps, though, it isn't you leaving me. It is me letting you leave. Think about that. I usually can get what I want. I like to let people make their own decisions. That's fine. Have a good one and I will throw the dueces. No hard feelings. I haven't got the time.

Right! I wish I could be that way. It hurts my feelings, and yes, I DO have feelings (somewhere deep down in my cold heart). Maybe that day will come when (insert various names here) realizes "shit, where is Brett when I need him?" or "God! Brett was such a good person and I wish he were here." Maybe that won't happen. I think with all the crap I bring I also bring plenty of good (or good times at least).

So here are my parting words for the evening.

One who looks for a friend without faults will have none.
~ Hasidic Saying

"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
~ Bible: Ecclesiastes

I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.
~Virginia Woolf

"Can miles truly separate us from friends?
If we want to be with someone we love, aren't we already there?"
~ Richard Bach

more lyrics

Just some great lyrics again. I had a great weekend, something strange is happening in my life. I think it is good, but i'm not sure yet....

Regina Spektor- Chelsea Hotel


I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
you were talking so brave and so sweet,
giving me head on the unmade bed,
while the limousines wait in the street.
Those were the reasons and that was New York,
we were running for the money and the flesh.
And that was called love for the workers in song
probably still is for those of them left.

Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away, I never once heard you say,
I need you, I don't need you,
I need you, I don't need you
and all of that jiving around.

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel
you were famous, your heart was a legend.
You told me again you preferred handsome men
but for me you would make an exception.
And clenching your fist for the ones like us
who are oppressed by the figures of beauty,
you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind,
we are ugly but we have the music."

And then you got away, didn't you babe...

I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,
I can't keep track of each fallen robin.
I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,
that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

It has been a while since I have really posted. School is over for the semester, and I think that I passed everything. After a rough start, I received a wonderful evaluation. I do have to say that every time that I get a compliment at that place, I also receive a criticism. Even on the Christmas card there was a pun about me loosing my keys. I don't understand that at all. I do not know how I am going to make it through next semester. I am just ready to be finished with school. I have been going FOREVER and I am over it. It was very difficult for me to find the motivation to finish anything. I hope next semester will be better. I think that working at the capitol will be exciting, and I think that I will be working on the lottery. That should prove to make it a very interesting time.
It is Christmas party time and I have two parties and a birthday party tomorrow. I think one of them will just have to miss me. I am also going home tomorrow and help my dad with the yard and such cause he has had back problems and will probably have to have surgery to fix it. That is scary especially since my mother is going to have her other knee replaced after school is out in the spring. I don't like my parents getting older because that means that I am getting older. YUCK!

Well I don't really have a damn thing to do till January 5th. So hit me up or something.
Laters

bullshit

I'm tired of all the bullshit and drama. A great night turned into an almost mental breakdown for me. Why the hell do I care anymore for these people? Any of them, I tell ya. I'm just done. I just want to live my life, and have fun. So many people are miserable in their own lives, that they feel that have to make others' lives living hell. Go fuck yourselves. I neither need anyone, nor, crave anyone. Live your lives and if it fucks you up, well then good riddance to bad rubbish... that's all I have to say for now.

here are some lyrics for thought. I'm really confused right now, so these songs are giving me some things to think about by Regina Spektor:









Dulce et Decorum Est Pro Patria Mori

after all, everything's been said and done
i feel, i feel better now
come away, lay your hands at rest and close your eyes
and say a prayer for those who've gone

it's hard...to live...
it's harder than it's ever been before
the things that used to comfort me
don't comfort me, not anymore

after all, children being born into
a time of searching for some glory
and the lie's still repeating through the years
dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

it's hard...to live...
it's harder than it's ever been before
the things that used to comfort me
don't comfort me, not anymore

but you can't spend your whole life waiting for god to kiss you...
you can't spend your whole life waiting for god to kiss you back...

come on...come on back...


You

never give up loving
unless you have to
never give up loving
unless you must
cause it will haunt you
in the future
will try to crawl into your bed at night
never leave your lover
unless he makes you
by being cold and
awful mean
even then you'll probably
always miss him
he will visit in your dreams
Names and dates and faces
places you were happy
I'll never fall
never fall like that again...
never give up loving
unless you have to
never leave your lover
unless you must
cause it will haunt your
empty heart forever
til your body turns to dust
I want you...

what a difference a year makes?

I'm a year older now. I don't feel older. Is that weird? I do however, soon have to face the fact that I have to become a real adult. Jobs and stuff. It is weird. Old things come up that I wasn't expecting. Not that these things are bad. I have realized that sometimes growing apart is the best thing that can happen. It can either make both lives easier, or it can make coming back together all the better. I'm not sad that there are people I no longer speak to. Things always go the way that they are suppose to. There is sadness for some though. Sometimes things get so mixed up and out of control that they can't be repaired easily. Just a few random thoughts. That's all... no major philosophical shit...